Alone

Dear Friends,

Could you please not leave me alone?

The moment the last person left this room, my tears start dropping

One by one

I can't control

My eyes getting swollen

And i start hate my useless self

Oh, i forgot. I'm all alone 

Nobody willing to start conversation with me unless i start it first

Nobody need me

Serve your right

Am I hate myself?

YES.

Because I'm so stupid to maintain our friendship

Too stupid because still hoping you will put your trust on me

Too stupid.

Bear in your mind, NOBODY WANT YOU!!!!!!

Shocked

Few days ago....got a message from unknown number...
Chat punya chat punya chat, haha rupanya tu kawan lama aku. Long lost friend la katakan. Lama betul tak jumpa. Happy betul dapat contact balik kawan-kawan lama ni.
Tapi bemda jadi tak happy bila dia tiba-tiba luahkan hasrat hati yang terpendam. OMG... Terkejut? Terpaku? Terkelu lidah untuk lafazkan kata. Nak tahu dia cakap apa? A sentence that can stop my breathe.

"Hang nak kahwin dengan aku dak? "

Wo wo wo brother, relax dulu please.

1. Aku still belajar lagi
2. Kita ni umpama kawan yang dah sekian lama terpisah, baru dapat dengar suara
3. Wait, dengan aku? Hang serious? Serious aku tak boleh brain. Aku yang macam ni, hahaha mana la ada orang nak tengok. Sua mata pun da yang tak sanggup. Buruk betul aku ni
4. In waiting for someone walaupun agak mustahil dia nak perasan kewujudan aku

Slow talk punya slow talk, rupanya dia rasa dia sampai masa untuk dia berumah tangga, and dia mampu what, weh anak tunggal, harta pusaka semua pi kat dia, hang nak apa lagi.. Haha
Weh aku pun taktau la lagu mana dia boleh dapat no.phone aku. Tapi dia kata dia selalu perati aku dekat fb and instagram. (Nasib baik twitter aku tak terbocor lagi)  kuikuikui

Benda benda macam ni, kalau kita dengaq rasa biasa ja. Tapi kalau kena kat batang hidung sendiri?  Ha mati akai weh.

Fortunately, dia okay
:hang reject aku la ni
Me: haha bukan reject, tapi macam reject jugak la
:takpalah kalau macam tu
Me: tapi, kita boleh jadi kawan lagi kan. Dak la dah dekat 10 tahun tak jumpak, tup tup kot lain pulak jadi
: takpa weh, aku okay. Haha bukan jodoh aku dengan hang la tu

Sebenarnya, me myself yang tak yakin dengan diri sendiri. Belajar tunggang langgang lagi, nak jaga diri sendiri pun tak termampu lagi, banyak ngelat ja. Macam mana nak jaga suami. I know myself very well. I don't deserve someone that really good. Really nice, in fact i don't deserve anyone.
In fact, I know that teramat sangat mustahillah aku dapat orang yang aku harapkan, tapi that actually sort of a shield so that i can give a reason 'I'm waiting for someone'

Dah dah melalut sangat ni, yang pasti aku akan teruskan hidup yang miserable ni. InsyaAllah hang akan jumpa someone yang betul-betul layak untuk hang.

Kalau ada jodoh, ada la kita. Kalau takdak, tak lama lagi hang jumpa la tu calon yang terbaik untuk hang. All the best bro. Apa-apa boleh contact sis yo. Tapi nanti dah jadi hak milik orang, kita slow slow la lost contact balik macam dulu-dulu.
Haha adiós

Pssttt
Lagipun dia taknak aku kerja kalau aku jadi kahwin dengan dia. OOMMGG.. Takkan aku sia-siakan duit MARA, duit Mak Ayah, masa aku, passed failed paper paper yang soalannya pelik-pelik melawan fitrah dunia(jk)
He can't cope with my syarat-syarat. Sooo... Againn.. Adiós
Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalala

Hate

Almost a week I didn't eat properly. At first I plan to diet. A few days later, my body can't accept food. I can't even smell them. Maximum I ate once a day. Sometimes I only consume water. A lot of water. My body has become weak. Day by day. I even can't walk properly. Headache, dizziness, unable to breath properly and also vomiting. All in one. Imagine you vomit, nothing. Nothing in the stomach, but still you need to vomit.
Hate being left out in the dark. Alone. The moment I'm alone, darkness and tear are my friend. I can't wake up. Not because I lazy to do so. Because I can't.
I need someone. When I really need them, I can't reach them. They too far away. My message, no one reply. No one. I can't blame them. They also have their own life to live. Not 24 hours available for me.
I hate crowds, especially in the train. People talking, people laughing, children crying. I hate everything. I have messaged him, asking for help. But he can't come because I'm too far from his place. I don't mind paying high, as long as I'm not crowded with people. My hands shaking. I am holding myself from crying and get angry.
I hate when people make a noise in the kitchen. You want to cook, you want to wash the clothes, do it quietly. And clean every single shit you've made. Shut your mouth up. Where is your manner? Didn't you parent teach you to respect other? You don't even have common sense.  It's true that our common sense is different. Maybe my common sense is not your common sense. But can't you use your brain to think? Where's your brain? In the pocket?
So easy to pretend in social media. Pretending like nothing happen, replying their tweets, wrote some tips. Put some happy and cute emojis, everything looks okay. But it's not. I can fake my excitement, my happiness, my sorrow easily. No one sees what.
I try my best to recover. Just a few days more, I am not going to be alone. But it's temporary. She definitely will leave me again. We only met 2 1/2 days a week. Hoping this didn't happen frequently.

Rejected

Assalamualaikum w.b.t
A few weeks ago, I applied a job through online application. Hoping that I can get a chance to increase my income so that I can pursue my plan. All the requirement I fulfilled. This evening, I got an email, I'm so excited to know their answer. Unfortunately, my name is not listed. I'm not qualified enough to become a tutor.

Sad? Yes. But I must remember that rezk is everywhere, anywhere in this world.
So, dear heart, please calm down, don't be sad. One day you will find the best job that can change you to be a better person.

Once again, I always remind myself. Every single thing or decision I've made, I must bear the risk. Bear the consequences. The risk that you will be rejected. Always keep in my mind, I'm not gonna be rejected forever. EVERY CLOUD HAVE A SILVER LINING. And

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Baqarah Verse 286:
"On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear."

And I believe, Allah will answer my wish one day. Maybe later. But He will answer it at the right time. On the right moment.

Now, I need to strive and struggle to achieve my dream and have faith in ALLAH, He always there for me. Always there to help me. Always there to listen my crying, and always have sajadah to sujood and let my tear dried.

Do the best, let ALLAH do the rest

Amiinnnnnn

   

HASAD

Tempoh sebulan aku di rumah, ibarat air berlalu masanya. Laju. Pantas. Gelak, tawa, suka duka, belum puas kurasakan. Aku senang tatkala aku dimanjakan mak, ayah, adik, abang, kakak. Duniaku indah apabila mereka di sisi walaupun bibit bibit pertengkaran kadang kala kedengaran.
Aku mulai rindu jerit di pagi hari mengejutkan jiwa untuk bersiap sedia menempuh hari baru, menyembah yang Esa dan mengejutkan anak anak muda di rumah sebelah untuk menimba ilmu.
Akan tetapi dunia kami tidak selalu indah. Keluargaku menjadi tempat golongan bernafsu iblis melepaskan hasad dengki mereka. Santau, sihir, segala macam jenis belalang, jelmaan demi jelmaan kelihatan, bumbung rumah menjadi medan 'mereka' menjalankan tugas. Hampir pecah bumbung rumah dikerjakan. Rumah sudah dipagar, makhluk peliharaan Binatang itu tidak mampu menembusinya. Akan tetapi, pergerakkan keluargaku sering diintip dan diperhatikan.

Tiba masanya aku pulang ke belantara konkrit, tempat aku menimba ilmu. Kufikir aku terselamat, tetapi fikiran ku meleset apabila dia menghantar sesuatu ke dalam badanku. Pada mulanya kukira angin merosoh di dalam perut, makin dimakan ubat, makin sakit. Makin diurut, makin angin bertambah. Tandas menjadi bilik keduaku. Muntah sehingga tiada apa lagi yang boleh dimuntahkan. Ubat masih diamalkan.
Pada suatu ketika, di tempat punca rezeki keluargaku. Aku ditegur seseorang. Katanya apabila aku melewati di sebelahnya, bulu romanya tegak berdiri. Bagi seseorang yang dikurniakan kelebihan dan ilmu, dia mampu melihat dan merasakan apa yang tidak dirasakan oleh insan biasa. Dia mengatakan bahawa sesuatu bendasing menghuni di perutku. Sebaik sahaja dia mengubati tu, hampir sejam aku di tandas, mengeluarkan 'benda' itu. Perit. Pedih. Sakit. Air mata mengalir laju menandakan tubuhku tidak berdaya menahannya. Tapi aku harus kuat. Syukurku kehadrat Ilahi. 'Benda' itu berjaya dikeluarkan tetapi kesannya masih terasa. Aku masih muntah muntah.
Hari ini, hari terakhir aku di sini. Sejam sebelum aku bertolak, abangku pulak terkena buatan mereka. Insan durjana. Perit di raut wajahnya. Mengalir air mataku. Sepanjang aku merantau, belum pernah aku mengalirkan air mata ketika hendak berpisah. Kini air mataku tidak berhenti mengalir teringatkan nasib keluargaku. Hanya satu yang dipohon agar mereka sentiasa di bawah lindungan Allah Maha Esa.
Seperti orang tiada iman, mendoakan kematian seseorang. Ya itulah aku. Aku pernah memohon agar nyawanya dicabut cepat. Dia diseksa. Belaan makan tuan. Pelbagai kata kata kesat berlegar di kotak fikiran.
Tapi aku terlupa bahawa Allah Maha Membalas. Bukan hak aku meminta hayat seseorang dipendekkan. Bukan hak aku menghukum seseorang. Aku sering dinasihatkan berdoa agar dia kembali ke pangkal jalan. Agar hasad di hatinya dihilangkan. Agar keluargaku bisa hidup dengan aman dan tenang.
Aku pegang erat kata kata "SETIAP APA YANG BERLAKU, PASTI ADA HIKMAHNYA" dan "ALLAH SENTIASA ADA BUAT HAMBA YANG BERSABAR"