Hate

Almost a week I didn't eat properly. At first I plan to diet. A few days later, my body can't accept food. I can't even smell them. Maximum I ate once a day. Sometimes I only consume water. A lot of water. My body has become weak. Day by day. I even can't walk properly. Headache, dizziness, unable to breath properly and also vomiting. All in one. Imagine you vomit, nothing. Nothing in the stomach, but still you need to vomit.
Hate being left out in the dark. Alone. The moment I'm alone, darkness and tear are my friend. I can't wake up. Not because I lazy to do so. Because I can't.
I need someone. When I really need them, I can't reach them. They too far away. My message, no one reply. No one. I can't blame them. They also have their own life to live. Not 24 hours available for me.
I hate crowds, especially in the train. People talking, people laughing, children crying. I hate everything. I have messaged him, asking for help. But he can't come because I'm too far from his place. I don't mind paying high, as long as I'm not crowded with people. My hands shaking. I am holding myself from crying and get angry.
I hate when people make a noise in the kitchen. You want to cook, you want to wash the clothes, do it quietly. And clean every single shit you've made. Shut your mouth up. Where is your manner? Didn't you parent teach you to respect other? You don't even have common sense.  It's true that our common sense is different. Maybe my common sense is not your common sense. But can't you use your brain to think? Where's your brain? In the pocket?
So easy to pretend in social media. Pretending like nothing happen, replying their tweets, wrote some tips. Put some happy and cute emojis, everything looks okay. But it's not. I can fake my excitement, my happiness, my sorrow easily. No one sees what.
I try my best to recover. Just a few days more, I am not going to be alone. But it's temporary. She definitely will leave me again. We only met 2 1/2 days a week. Hoping this didn't happen frequently.

Rejected

Assalamualaikum w.b.t
A few weeks ago, I applied a job through online application. Hoping that I can get a chance to increase my income so that I can pursue my plan. All the requirement I fulfilled. This evening, I got an email, I'm so excited to know their answer. Unfortunately, my name is not listed. I'm not qualified enough to become a tutor.

Sad? Yes. But I must remember that rezk is everywhere, anywhere in this world.
So, dear heart, please calm down, don't be sad. One day you will find the best job that can change you to be a better person.

Once again, I always remind myself. Every single thing or decision I've made, I must bear the risk. Bear the consequences. The risk that you will be rejected. Always keep in my mind, I'm not gonna be rejected forever. EVERY CLOUD HAVE A SILVER LINING. And

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Baqarah Verse 286:
"On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear."

And I believe, Allah will answer my wish one day. Maybe later. But He will answer it at the right time. On the right moment.

Now, I need to strive and struggle to achieve my dream and have faith in ALLAH, He always there for me. Always there to help me. Always there to listen my crying, and always have sajadah to sujood and let my tear dried.

Do the best, let ALLAH do the rest

Amiinnnnnn