Hate

Almost a week I didn't eat properly. At first I plan to diet. A few days later, my body can't accept food. I can't even smell them. Maximum I ate once a day. Sometimes I only consume water. A lot of water. My body has become weak. Day by day. I even can't walk properly. Headache, dizziness, unable to breath properly and also vomiting. All in one. Imagine you vomit, nothing. Nothing in the stomach, but still you need to vomit.
Hate being left out in the dark. Alone. The moment I'm alone, darkness and tear are my friend. I can't wake up. Not because I lazy to do so. Because I can't.
I need someone. When I really need them, I can't reach them. They too far away. My message, no one reply. No one. I can't blame them. They also have their own life to live. Not 24 hours available for me.
I hate crowds, especially in the train. People talking, people laughing, children crying. I hate everything. I have messaged him, asking for help. But he can't come because I'm too far from his place. I don't mind paying high, as long as I'm not crowded with people. My hands shaking. I am holding myself from crying and get angry.
I hate when people make a noise in the kitchen. You want to cook, you want to wash the clothes, do it quietly. And clean every single shit you've made. Shut your mouth up. Where is your manner? Didn't you parent teach you to respect other? You don't even have common sense.  It's true that our common sense is different. Maybe my common sense is not your common sense. But can't you use your brain to think? Where's your brain? In the pocket?
So easy to pretend in social media. Pretending like nothing happen, replying their tweets, wrote some tips. Put some happy and cute emojis, everything looks okay. But it's not. I can fake my excitement, my happiness, my sorrow easily. No one sees what.
I try my best to recover. Just a few days more, I am not going to be alone. But it's temporary. She definitely will leave me again. We only met 2 1/2 days a week. Hoping this didn't happen frequently.

Rejected

Assalamualaikum w.b.t
A few weeks ago, I applied a job through online application. Hoping that I can get a chance to increase my income so that I can pursue my plan. All the requirement I fulfilled. This evening, I got an email, I'm so excited to know their answer. Unfortunately, my name is not listed. I'm not qualified enough to become a tutor.

Sad? Yes. But I must remember that rezk is everywhere, anywhere in this world.
So, dear heart, please calm down, don't be sad. One day you will find the best job that can change you to be a better person.

Once again, I always remind myself. Every single thing or decision I've made, I must bear the risk. Bear the consequences. The risk that you will be rejected. Always keep in my mind, I'm not gonna be rejected forever. EVERY CLOUD HAVE A SILVER LINING. And

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Baqarah Verse 286:
"On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear."

And I believe, Allah will answer my wish one day. Maybe later. But He will answer it at the right time. On the right moment.

Now, I need to strive and struggle to achieve my dream and have faith in ALLAH, He always there for me. Always there to help me. Always there to listen my crying, and always have sajadah to sujood and let my tear dried.

Do the best, let ALLAH do the rest

Amiinnnnnn

   

HASAD

Tempoh sebulan aku di rumah, ibarat air berlalu masanya. Laju. Pantas. Gelak, tawa, suka duka, belum puas kurasakan. Aku senang tatkala aku dimanjakan mak, ayah, adik, abang, kakak. Duniaku indah apabila mereka di sisi walaupun bibit bibit pertengkaran kadang kala kedengaran.
Aku mulai rindu jerit di pagi hari mengejutkan jiwa untuk bersiap sedia menempuh hari baru, menyembah yang Esa dan mengejutkan anak anak muda di rumah sebelah untuk menimba ilmu.
Akan tetapi dunia kami tidak selalu indah. Keluargaku menjadi tempat golongan bernafsu iblis melepaskan hasad dengki mereka. Santau, sihir, segala macam jenis belalang, jelmaan demi jelmaan kelihatan, bumbung rumah menjadi medan 'mereka' menjalankan tugas. Hampir pecah bumbung rumah dikerjakan. Rumah sudah dipagar, makhluk peliharaan Binatang itu tidak mampu menembusinya. Akan tetapi, pergerakkan keluargaku sering diintip dan diperhatikan.

Tiba masanya aku pulang ke belantara konkrit, tempat aku menimba ilmu. Kufikir aku terselamat, tetapi fikiran ku meleset apabila dia menghantar sesuatu ke dalam badanku. Pada mulanya kukira angin merosoh di dalam perut, makin dimakan ubat, makin sakit. Makin diurut, makin angin bertambah. Tandas menjadi bilik keduaku. Muntah sehingga tiada apa lagi yang boleh dimuntahkan. Ubat masih diamalkan.
Pada suatu ketika, di tempat punca rezeki keluargaku. Aku ditegur seseorang. Katanya apabila aku melewati di sebelahnya, bulu romanya tegak berdiri. Bagi seseorang yang dikurniakan kelebihan dan ilmu, dia mampu melihat dan merasakan apa yang tidak dirasakan oleh insan biasa. Dia mengatakan bahawa sesuatu bendasing menghuni di perutku. Sebaik sahaja dia mengubati tu, hampir sejam aku di tandas, mengeluarkan 'benda' itu. Perit. Pedih. Sakit. Air mata mengalir laju menandakan tubuhku tidak berdaya menahannya. Tapi aku harus kuat. Syukurku kehadrat Ilahi. 'Benda' itu berjaya dikeluarkan tetapi kesannya masih terasa. Aku masih muntah muntah.
Hari ini, hari terakhir aku di sini. Sejam sebelum aku bertolak, abangku pulak terkena buatan mereka. Insan durjana. Perit di raut wajahnya. Mengalir air mataku. Sepanjang aku merantau, belum pernah aku mengalirkan air mata ketika hendak berpisah. Kini air mataku tidak berhenti mengalir teringatkan nasib keluargaku. Hanya satu yang dipohon agar mereka sentiasa di bawah lindungan Allah Maha Esa.
Seperti orang tiada iman, mendoakan kematian seseorang. Ya itulah aku. Aku pernah memohon agar nyawanya dicabut cepat. Dia diseksa. Belaan makan tuan. Pelbagai kata kata kesat berlegar di kotak fikiran.
Tapi aku terlupa bahawa Allah Maha Membalas. Bukan hak aku meminta hayat seseorang dipendekkan. Bukan hak aku menghukum seseorang. Aku sering dinasihatkan berdoa agar dia kembali ke pangkal jalan. Agar hasad di hatinya dihilangkan. Agar keluargaku bisa hidup dengan aman dan tenang.
Aku pegang erat kata kata "SETIAP APA YANG BERLAKU, PASTI ADA HIKMAHNYA" dan "ALLAH SENTIASA ADA BUAT HAMBA YANG BERSABAR"

Bleeding

5 tahun berlalu, kini aku kembali mengambil risiko untuk membuka hati ini kepada seorang insan bernama lelaki. Dan aku telah membenarkan hati ini dilukai kembali. Pertemuan di alam maya, dengan bait-bait manis dilontrakan membuatkan aku hanyut dibuai angin percintaan. Sungguh, risiko yang diambil tidak membuahkan hasil.

Hati ini dilukai, perasaan ini dipermaikan. Ya.. Ini semua salah aku. Salah aku kerana membuka hati untuk dia
Salah aku kerana cepat memberi peluang kepada dia
Salah aku kerana meletakkan harapan yang tinggi menggunung
Salah aku kerana menduakan TEME (eh)

Tapi....
INI BUKAN SALAH KELUARGA AKU
Bukan salah mereka kehidupan kami sederhana
Bukan salah mereka kami tinggal di sebuah perkampungan
Bukan salah mereka apabila kami terpaksa berkongsi bilik
Bukan salah mereka kami tidak mampu tinggal dia rumah mewah.

INI JUGA BUKAN SALAH KAWAN KAWAN AKU
Bukan salah mereka bila aku banyak menghabiskan masa bersama mereka
Bukan salah mereka bila aku lebihkan mereka dalam banyak hal
Bukan salah mereka bila aku mengutamakan mereka dari dia

Keluarga aku sentiasa ada di kala aku jatuh.
Sentiasa bersama ku dikala aku susah dan senang.
Kawan kawan aku ada untuk aku di kala air mata ini menitis.
Di kala aku perlukan tempat mengadu, mereka ada bersama ku.

Wajarkah aku melebihkan dia yang baru sebulan dua tempoh perkenalan?
Wajarkah aku kurangkan masa bersama keluarga semata mata untuk memenuhi kehendak dia?

Dia tidak dapat menerima keadaan keluargaku. Keadaan rumah ku yg usang. Bagaimana aku bisa membawa dia masuk ke dalam keluarga ku sedangkan di hatinya, begitu berat untuk menerima.
Tidak sesekali aku membelakangkan keluarga ku hanya untuk seorang insan bernama LELAKI. 
Tidak sesekali aku membuang kawan kawan ku hanya untuk seorang insan bernama LELAKI.

Aku telah berjanji dengan diri aku. Aku akan mengubah nasib keluarga aku. Di saat keluarga aku punya segalanya, aku haramkan kau menjengah muka dihadapan ku.

My family and my friends are everything.
Selagi belum akad dilafazkan, you are nothing.

You are my TULIP

Why you love Tulip even you never have a chance to touch it. You just see it on the internet, magazines and also social media and you don't even know how the smell is.
I love tulip because, no reason, one day I saw tulips on Facebook and suddenly I fall in love with it.

Actually, this tulip almost like my crush
Someone that I know, only through internet
Someone who I know his figure, but I don't even know his face
Someone that I never met, but he touch my heart with his word
Someone that really far away from me.
Someone that currently works in London meanwhile I'm still in Malaysia

People said I just wasted my time. Waiting for him and for sure he don't even know my existence.
He don't even know my name
He knows nothing about me
I just one of his fans.

One day, I saw someone. I don't know why he attracts my attention. I look at him from top to bottom. My heart said "That's him". I knew that was him, but maybe that is not the right time for me to say hi. That is the biggest regret in my life. I don't have that courage to talk to him. The way his smile, I'll never forget about it. The way he looks at me. I still remember when our eyes met. His glasses. His special chin. The most important is his shoes. I recognize that shoes. Sport shoes, black and white.

And I never stop praying to Allah for him to be mine. But if one day he meets another woman that can give him happiness. The woman that can make him smile every day. The woman that can accept him for his bad or good side.
At that moment he marries her. I will stop hoping for him. I'll move on. I'll start my new life. And I'll try to forget him without forget his beautiful words. Till then, I'll love you forever.

One day I'll go to Amsterdam to see the tulip with my own eyes, to touch and feel the smooth petal with my own hand and smell it with my own nose.
And also, I hope I can do that with you and only you. Because you are my TULIP forever.

Kawan Baru, Alam Baru, Dunia Baru.

Assalamualaikum...
Hai, rajin pulak meng'update' blog lately. Saja nak kongsi something awesome happened in my life.

First of all, thank you my friend for invited me to join her 'family'. And also thank you guys for accepting me.

Beberapa pertemuan membuatkan ku jatuh hati dengan ikatan kasih sayang,
Jatuh hati dengan keakraban,
Membuatkan ku tersenyum tanpa batasan,
Mengetuk pintu hati menyatakan bahawa masih belum terlambat untuk aku kembali ke pangkal jalan,
Senda gurau tawa, membuatkan tempoh seminggu begitu lama untuk berkunjung tiba,
Pertemuan bersama insan berlainan latar belakang, membuka minda bahawa dunia ini tiada sempadan
Begitu juga dengan ilmu alQuran yang sangat luas jika dikaji dengan teliti.
Alhdulillah, senyuman di bibir semakin ikhlas.
Sinar di mata tampak sirnanya. Hati yang mendung kini disirami  cahaya kerinduan kepada Maha Pencipta,
Tatkala kisah Kekasih Allah menyapa, pintu hati seakan-akan diketuk.
Terasa ketenangan menjalar mengisi kekosongan.
Dan membuatkan ku bersyukur ke atas segala nikmat yang telah diberikan.
Sudah tiba masanya aku berjihrah tanpa menunggu detik 12 tengah malam tahun baru, kononnya di situ bermulanya azam baru.
Tepuk dada, tanya iman, adakah iman sudah kenyang ataupun masih kehausan dan ketandusan.

Semoga aku terus beristiqamah di jalanMu ya Allah.
-insan yang penuh kealpaan-

Be Yourself and Be Happy. ALWAYS.

I'm Here

I know you weren't okay, but am I the right person to comfort you?
All this thing always in my mind
"Does she okay today?"
"Am I disturbing her?"
"Do she really need me now?"
"Am I still important?"
"Maybe she doesn't want me to know, but it's okay that is her right whether to tell me or not"
"Am I such a busy body person?"
"She has her own life, she will choose who want to stay with, who want to share with, who is important, who she can rely on"
You know what? It hurt when you start keeping a secret from me again. When I know you have someone else you can rely on. When
We promised that there is no secret between us
Do you remember that?

You know what?  I'm here for you. ALWAYS. Love you forever. Friend till jannah, InsyaAllah